Jack Bauer Goes Green

What with all the recent changes to the show 24, I may need to reconsider my boycott. First, they're considering casting a female president on the show this season. Then they announce they are reducing the carbon footprint of the show, with a "carbon neutral" season finale. And now, they announce Janeane Garofalo will be a regular on the show. (Apparently, those things are all true.)

The New Republic has gotten a hold of some of the upcoming episodes, including this one:

EPISODE 1: 12:00 AM - 1:00 AM

advertisement

Int. CTU - day

JACK BAUER talks to JANIS GOLD.

JANIS GOLD
Our source tells us that the terrorists' plan is blow up Broward Dam. This would create mass flooding, cut power to the entire state, and destroy the habitat of the tidewater goby.

JACK BAUER
Dammit! Without that goby, what will our local heron population eat?

JANIS GOLD
Try not to think about that.

JACK BAUER
I can't help it! Every link in the food chain matters!

Jack punches his hand through a wall.

JACK BAUER (CONT'D)
Chloe, get me a schematic of the dam's facilities.

CHLOE O'BRIAN
I'm on it. Let me power up my computer.

Chloe mounts an exercise bike connected to a power generator into which her computer is plugged. She pedals furiously. Her computer slowly boots up.

JANIS GOLD
We don't have much time, Chloe! Pedal harder!

Chloe pedals harder.

JANIS GOLD (CONT'D)
(to Jack, proudly) Did you know that just ten minutes of pedaling powers her computer for an hour?

CHLOE O'BRIAN
Not to mention burns calories and improves my heart health.

Jack nods, impressed and a little inspired.



Int. Dam control room - day

A DAM WORKER, soaking wet, is being held down by two LACKEYS. TERRORIST #1 enters.

TERRORIST #1
Has the American told us how to disable the safety override?

LACKEY #1
He won't talk.

TERRORIST #1
Continue the waterboarding.

The lackeys move to shove the dam worker's head into a tub of water. He struggles.

DAM WORKER
Please, please! Wait!

TERRORIST #1
Yes?

DAM WORKER
Are you gonna just dump this water after you torture me?

TERRORIST #1
Of course not. We have an extensive grey water system. The water will be fed to the shrubbery back at the hideout.

DAM WORKER
Okay, great. Carry on.

The lackeys hold the dam worker's head underwater. He struggles violently. After a few seconds, he is pulled up.

DAM WORKER (CONT'D)
(gasping) Cuz we only have one Earth, you know?

The terrorists murmur their agreement. The lackeys hold the dam worker under again. He flashes the thumbs-up.

Who knows, they might even stop cutting off people's thumbs. Wouldn't that be something crazy liberal?